Saturday, December 31, 2005

Thoughts for the coming year

Quote from "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers

"December 31


"The God of Isreal will be your rereward."
Isaiah 52:12

Security from yesterday. "God requireth that which is past." At the end of the year we turn with eagerness to all that God has for the future, and yet anxiety is apt to arise from remembering the yesterdays. Our present enjoyment of God's grace is apt to be checked by the memory of yesterday's sins and blunders. But God is the God of our yesterdays, and He allows the memory of them in order to turn the past into a ministry of spiritual culture for the future. God reminds us of the past lest we get into a shallow security in the present.
Security for Tomorrow. "For the Lord will go before you." This is a gracious revelation, that God will garrison where we have failed to. He will watch lest things trip us up again into like failure, as they assuredly would do if He were not our rereward. God's hand reaches back to the past and makes a clearing-house for conscience.
Security for Today. "For ye shall not go out with haste." As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, unremembering delight, nor with the flight of impulsive thoughtlessness, but with the patient power of knowing that the God of Isreal will go before us. Our yesterdays present irreparable things for us; it is true that we have lost oppertunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ.
Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him."

Friday, December 23, 2005

Our Mo

So my almost 4 year old comes up with a handful of coins.
I ask the obvious question: "Where did ya get them Mo?"
She brings over a large thermos.
"Where were they before that?"
She brings a small, teal play bucket.
"And before that, where were they?"
She brings a green hat.
"Before that?"
Another bucket, this time in yellow.
"Mo, where did you get them before they were in there?"
She grabs an orange bucket.
"Where did they start out at?
Were they on the top of the fish tank?
Were they in your jar?"
Apparently they simply appeared, of coarse, and have no origin!

Last night, same daughter....
It is dark in the house, and everyone should be asleep...
Daddy and mommy are snuggled on the couch watching a movie, when out of the darkness we hear the small little lisp of our Mo.
"Daddy, mommy, there's something crawling on our floor!"
Thinking it is just another ant, I sarcastically ask "really"
Then nicely, "Where?"
She points to what looks like just another toy on the floor and it really doesn't seem to be moving, still our good daddy, goes to look.
"Oh my goodness......
it's a frog!"
Now how it got in is quite illusive to us and how it evaded our vicious cat I will never know.
So being who I am, I wake our 6 year old who "wasn't sleeping" -- right -- to show her too.
We are weird, yes, but we live in a desert so frogs are a rare sight, and hey, how many come for dinner?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Words of wisdom for young parents...

Yes, I am a young parent, no this is not work of my own, yet truely an important outlook for those of us in the trenches of the early childhood years...

"If I had my child to raise over again"

If I had my child to raise all over again
I'd finger-paint more and point the finger less,
I do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious and seriously play.
I'd run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do mor hugging and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd build self esteem first, and the house later.
I'd teach less about the love of power,
and more about the power of love.

I try to take this advice and apply it to oureveryday life.
When you hold your babies, remember that someday they will be to "big" to hold. The time is short so enjoy them while you can!

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Computer Crash

I'm sure this isn't headline news, but it is why I haven't posted for a week.

We seem to be up and running again, but I'm sure that could change at a moments notice! :
I had the Holter Monitor test form Monday to Tuesday and it really wasn't bad. There were 7 electrodes when I was expecting 2, but I slept fine with it on and even got to skip a day of dishes! :-D
Of coarse they were waiting for me the next day...

I am now waiting on the Glucose Tolerance Test, and not so excited about this one at all! But it looks like I'll be getting it done next year ( in a few weeks), so I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Christmas is shaping up nicely, and I am basically done; however, husbands can be hard to shop for.
Ever notice how all man toys are really expensive!?!
So we are awaiting what he actually gets for Christmas from others before we decide how much we're shelling out where and for what!

I have decided to make myself a gift.. I made aprons for both girls and am now going to make an apron for myself with the same style as theirs. I found some cute fabric on clearance and figure I need an apron more than the girls. Every day I soak myself as I wash dishes! Today I wear and apron and towel and not a drop gets on me anywhere! But this apron is only the waist down style so I will make a full apron and save myself the two outfits a day routine. Saves on laundry? another hated chore! Which reminds me that I have a load to hang!

I am so very sure you're all enjoying my rambling and stream of consciousness writing...yeah, sure...but I'd better go if I'm to get this load dry! :o)

Friday, December 09, 2005

Out of the mouths of my babes

All of us crowded onto daddy and mommy's bed...
Even our cat is snuggled on my side.
Ysabella, 6 years old, says to Moriah, almost 4 years old, regarding the cat
"Put your ear on her head"
Moriah does.
Ysa: "Can you hear her thinking?"

Dad and mom had a real good laugh at that one!

She also has a new Christmas song medley that's hilarious to hear, probably wont sound as good in writing.
"Better not shout, better not cry,
better not cry and I'm tellin' you why
Santa's comming, comming by,
I could wish you a Merry Christmas
if I had my two front teeth!"
The 'teeth' is a higher pitch like the whistle in that song.

In other news.... we are off to the DR to get a holter monitor on today.
Now I'll get to log everything I am doing as well as everything I am eating! Yipee :Keep you updated on how that all goes!

Update: The monitor wasn't there, so I go back in Monday!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Quote of the day...

One of y personal favorites as it is sooooo me!

"Todays mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that stood it's ground!"


Most people who know me think two things....
1) "She's a little odd"... or.... "man, that girl is crazy" (hence the nut)
2) I stand my ground!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

No Surf Zone

Setting: The other night, after an intense movie. I am channel surfing and only managing to watch commercials...

Holding remote out toward hubby...
Me: "I am such an amature! All I can find are commercials!!!
At least when you channel surf we wind up seeing parts of programs!"
Giving up the remote to hubby...
Hubby: "You know, it's really not as easy as it looks." ;)

Monday, December 05, 2005

Bring you up to speed.....

Well, it's been a day or four.
Thursday was great fun for the end of our 1st semester of 1st grade.
We got to go to Knott's Berry Farm for the day and we all had lots of fun!
I was even talked into doing one of those carnival games where you have to climb a ladder to reach a button... I made it half way, twice, and have not yet seen the pictures; I'm sure they are oh so flattering!

Friday, I had an appt. with my GP DR. He has once again impressed me. I talked about the syncope vs. seizure (see my previous post) dilema and he also agrees that something is going on and we need to find out what. He has asked that I document my diet for 10 days and have a 5 hour gluclose tolerance test (gtt) and have a 24 hour heart monitor. I still need to make the appt. for the gtt and will get the holter monitor put on this week. I figure I have until July to get as much done as I can before my deductible starts over again, so I'm gonna try to cram it all in!

Saturday and Sunday are my usual boring life, so I wont say much about them...
I have finally gotten the dreaded cycle that I have been expecting, and I'd like to say that my hormones are back to what they should be; but for now, I'm still very moody and hormonal, so I'll wait on that! ;)

We have, for me, what is an exciting week, starting our 2nd semester of 1st grade and going to the dentist. I'll also get that heart monitor on, and look ever so fashionable for a day or so. :)
I am glad tho to have my DR. trying to look into what could be happening.

I also have my little girls' Christmas presents almost entirely finished! They are too cute!!!
I can't wait to see their faces on Christmas!

OK well, school must go on!
So I must go too. ;)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Our society...the anti parent

Now first the disclaimer that I don't believe that I am the best parent in the world.
That said, I am getting sick of TV commercials and shows and people in public that seem to scream incompetent parenting.
Example, a new cell phone commercial which has the moral of "switch to our company and don't worry about going over on minutes" portrays a teenage girl laughing and talking away, while at home by the way, and the 'helpless parents' dazed watching her saying "she must have a new boyfriend and we are already over our minutes for the month"
My first thought...
Take the phone! It can be done respectfully and all, but she obviously could be on a land line and who thinks she needs to be on the phone for a long time anyway?
Which brings up the next point...
Since when do young teens need to have adult relationships?!?
Look at the 14 year old girl with the 18 year old boy friend who shot her parents! She was obviously having a rather adult like relationship that she (and he if you ask me) were completely unprepared for! Why? Because they are not adults yet! We cannot keep treating our children as adults and wondering when everything is screwed up!

I live in CA where the 9th circuit court thinks that parents should have even less rights regarding what their children can be taught and when. But I am not going down with out a fight.
I will teach my children respect for others, common courtesy (which is far from common, huh), faith and love, not to mention that I (and hubby) will be discussing sexuality as our children are individually ready! This is something that cannot and should not happen all at once to the detriment of the child, but something that needs to be handled as maturity is reached and as questions are brought up.
For example, my 2 year old isn't ready for "the talk" but last week during a diaper change, he said, (pointing at himself) " My peindus" then (pointing at me) "You peindus"; to which I explained "Neno, penis; Daddy, penis; Mommy, no penis."
This is a basic way he will learn the differences of the sexes, and his own, along the way, not all at once. And not by a stranger nor someone outside of a strong and loving relationship.

As we corrupt the family and the fabric of the foundation of our country, we cannot be surprised by immoral behavior and decadence. We should not be shocked when we strip parents of their respect and authority, or they simply wont take it, when we herd or children like cattle thru a failing public school system, and feed them lies like "there's no absolute truth" and have the results we are now seeing.

Exiting soap box.

Monday, November 28, 2005

My kids are so weird!

But they are really cool too!

My six year old, Ysabella...that is the Spanish pronunciation of the name Isabella, which sounds the first letter like "E"... is sitting talking my ear off about her imaginary horse, and what good exercise she gave her earlier when was that? Before your science test? Before Breakfast... chances are it is really happening right this minute as she makes it up! And... she is wearing toe socks, rainbow colored no less, on both feet and hands!

My three almost four year old Moriah (NOT mariah, ie "they called the wind mariah," but MO-riah, the mountain where Abraham took Isaac, and the Temple was built) is singing all manner of nonsense she is making up as she goes along to the tune of whatever song is stuck in her head today, and is not napping like she is supposed to be.

And my son, who is almost two years old, Nathaniel, called Neno, is playing along with her in the room instead of napping. I haven't checked, but I'd bet he has his pants and diaper off and is playing with his "peindus" which I am sure needs no further they ever grow out of that?!? On second thought...don't answer that!!!!!

This is just what is going on right now.... I keep journals of all manner of cute things they do and say that I could fill blog after blog with! They seem to be a little unusual at times, but I bet we all really are!

I'd better get back now, school must go on! It's time to snuggle up with my Ysabella and Laura Ingalls Wilder's book "Farmer Boy"... I Love Homeschooling!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

life in our home....

Hubby: "Forgive your uncoordinated man," as he spills some of our dinner;
Me: "Do they come another way?"
Hubby: "Why, whatever do you mean?" in shocked (sarcastic) tone
Me: "Men, do they come coordinated?"
Hubby: "I still don't understand."
Me: "Would you like me to elaborate?"
Hubby: "Yeah, maybe ..."
Together "...draw a picture!?"
Me: "Sure." grabs pen and paper...
Draws picture of toilet....
Me: "Affectionately called the 'jon', it epitomizes the uncoordinated male"
Hubby: "Whatever do you mean?" still very sarcastic, as usual.
Me: "Maybe only women can understand....... they are the only ones to clean behind the toilet!"
(thinking **buh*dum*bum*pish**)
Hubby:"Like when does that happen?"

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Thanks to GOD for life and breath and forgiveness. For sustaining me through a rough year/life.

For my wonderful hubby and three kids and the blessing and joy they bring to our family and my life.

For our family and friends.

For a home and plenty to eat, and clothes and shoes that many in the world are without right now.

For Freedom and those who have and are protecting it.
Thank God for the families that spend this day without a loved one, whether only for now or forever, so that we may enjoy our freedoms.

For the freedom to speak my mind and my faith in the public sphere.

What are you thankful for?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

blah blah blog

I am not sure what is interesting to those who may happen to read my blog. I have a great capacity to ramble on senselessly and can talk many subjects to death. But who in their right mind (no offense) wants to listen to me ramble on and on aimlessly?

I've found myself thinking lately about all the nonessential things I could bore you with...
Like how many times can I pin my finger to the garments I am making for my daughters? Or should I mention all of the super cute genius things my kids do? (Of coarse my kids really are geniuses. That's not just the "every parent thinks their child is a genius" thing....*wink**wink*)

So today on my fashionable list of things to do:
Of coarse we have to eat
Wash dishes
fold and put away laundry...wash a new load?
prepare for Thanksgiving and the weekend
teach my 1st grader & prepare for next week's end of semester testing
(we homeschool)
Finish one daughter's Christmas present and start the other's
and think of something to bolg about...

The list could go on I'm sure if I wanted to bore you by writting down little survival things like changing diapers and wiping noses, but I wont.

OK that's enough rambling for now.

Monday, November 21, 2005

sick & tired: Is it or isn't it?

sick & tired: Is it or isn't it?

AMAPAIN made some great points in her post "Is it or isn't it"

It got me thinking about a famos quote "Don't read medical Books, you may die of a misprint."

I would like to point out tho that DR shopping can be necessary sometimes. In many cases it is a problem with either uninformed/updated DRs and the ever present poor bedside mannor.

My 1st neurologist gave me a diagnosis of anemia and told me to take iron, with out a blood test....maybe he was sick of my comming in? Iron poisoning can be lethal! (see my previous post)
My second neuro spent more of my appointment asking why I have kids and "so many" when I was there pregnant with my third. She said several times that I "shouldn't have any more" but this was personal opinion and not medically based!
So then neuro #3 looks like I must be trying to get the diagnosis I want by DR shopping. Maybe it isn't I want a perticular diagnosis, just say, to have one! I think it creeped him out that I had been to 2 others already and maybe he didn't think I would stick with him either.

ANyway, AMAPAIN, I liked your post and it inspired thought! Thought you'd like to know!

"Along the Road"

"I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chattered all the way
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learn'd from her
When Sorrow walked with me."

~Robert Browning Hamilton

Just a side note:
I don't write when Hubby is home, so that's why I disappear for days at a time!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

feelings, nothing more than feelings....

Ok so maybe it's more than feelings, like hormones!

I was thinking to myself last night, that I am happy even tho I wasn't feeling happy.

It's all about those terrible hormones that are still wreaking havoc and not doing what they should!

I talked to the DR last night. To my shock and amazement she called me and I actually talk to a DR on the phone! And she seemed fine with everything and, unless I am hemorraging, I don't need to worry. Of coarse this is my cynical exageration of what she said, but that's what I read out of it. In other words... Stop calling!

I am wondering if, perhaps, what my body is doing, which is what it shouldn't, is maybe what the 1 percentile group does do. Which would make me normally abnormal. right?
When I said that to hubby he simply kissed me and said that maybe I should get some sleep.
But seriously folks, maybe my body responding in its rebellious way is its normal!
Whaddya think?

The lining inside my uterus is apparently 2 cm thick and I seem unable to find info on how thick it should be. But to me, lay person, I think it should go away now, and it isn't. Dr said to still expect a heavy flow soon, like next cycle (if this one ever ends) and we'll wait and watch.
SO very comforting, really. It does, however, sound a lot better than the hysterectomy word I kept reading in my search for how thick is thick/normal.

Well, I had hoped to put plenty of nifty linky thingys in this post, but I found little to no info pertaining to my situation, so no links this post! Maybe next time. ;)

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Windows of your world......

I noticed the other day that windows are deceiving.
It was a stormy day and the sky was filled with dark clouds, but looking out my kitchen window all I saw was blue sky. It happened that it was the only square of sky that we could see when outside, and yet it could've helped me make wrong choices. Like how to dress the kids or the events we would take on that day. By looking at only one part of anything we don't know what the right decision is.

Like the joke of the three blind men and the elephant.
One felt the leg and said, "this is a tree, I feel the trunk."
Another felt the ear and said,"this is a fan."
The last felt the trunk and said it was a rope.
By feeling or "seeing" only one part they were wrong!

How many things are we accepting one sided stories on? We are quick to judge and never quick to listen. We take the information spoon fed to us as absolute fact and look no further.
It is time we open more than one window, maybe even a door, and see what is really going on in our world.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Convulsive Syncope or Epilepsy

I am apparently far from alone in my quest for truth.
Just a quick search for Convulsive Syncope gave me too much information! And most often the information is comparative.
Convulsive Syncope vs. Epilepsy.
I found this Postgradmed article to be quite an overview!!!

So is it Syncope?
I don't know! I have an appointment with my GP to discuss alternatives/tests needed to find out just what may be going on.
I have two different types of episodes, and it is possible that I have 2 seperate things taking place. My 1st episode to be reviewed by a neurologist was deemed a seizure, initially atleast. My 2nd neuro was quick to call my episodes seizures, even with a 5 year gap.

I am pretty sure some of my episodes are fainting. They are more drop like attacks and last as little as 30 seconds, but do not stop with laying down and carry pre and post episode symptoms that are the same as my other episodes.

The other ones last 2 to 5 minutes, and have definate freak out the witnesses movements and "demonic" faces. (Hey Jodi, maybe we could coin the phrase "demonica" to describe the faces I make?) These don't seem to be consistent with the movements described in the Syncope articles. Still I have little post event confusion, but plenty of head and body aches, and tiredness. I also have a short freak out session following these where I go hysterical, only to have an abrupt stop to those feelings.

One main problem is that EEGs aren't complete. Most people don't have abnormal brain waves all of the time, altho I apparently do they are slow waves not epileptiform, or fast, spike waves. None the less, unless you have a seizure during the EEG it will not pick up if you do or do not have seizures. Further some seizures are deeper in the brain than they can pick up with surface electrodes and depth electrodes seem quite a bit risky to me!
My EEGs (I've had 2) were normal and my MRI was normal, so it looks like a Tilt Table test and maybe some others that I haven't found yet are next on the menu!

If you are dealing with this same sort of thing we have several outlets for information and venting, like the Epilepsy Support Group @ WebMD, Epilepsy Foundation of America, and Each of these places offers the most updated information on subjects dealing with epilepsy and other similar disorders, as well as a whole network of people in our shoes. They are or have been where we are and understand the trials of searching for answers. Many offer additional sites to look for answers.
Happy hunting to us all.

Anemic? No, I'm always this pale!

Every doctor that has ever seen me has either run my hemoglobin (mostly a finger prick, or CBC) or said, "You look anemic, you should suppliment with iron."

First let me say that you should not suppliment with iron unless directed by your doctor after you have found a deficiency ! Iron poisoning is the most common cause of accidental poisoning in young children.
One doctor in particular that I saw who said that, I refuse to go back to! Iron can be some risky stuff to mess with, and should not be supplimented unless absolutely necessary. Try adding iron rich foods first, even taking black strap molasses, but save the suppliments as a last resort.

My Grandmother has a type of anemia called pernicious anemia where the body cannot absorb vitamin B12, also folate deficiency can cause anemia, but the doctors can find out which you need with a blood test. Iron is not a lone culprit.

For me, I have great hemoglobin! The lowest count was 13.5, if I remember correctly. And that's including the natural drops during pregnancy!
I can't actally find the numbers, but I have been told that the numbers they give are on a scale of roughly 10 to 16. Around 11 they say you are anemic and pushing 16 they may get a little concerned about too much iron. Again, I wasn't able to actually find that in writing, but a health professional told me when I asked what my number meant.

So, why the pale yellowy skin?
I like to tell people it's all genetics. You simply can't mix certain things and come out with pretty colors all the time! ;o) I know we have Italian, Danish, Irish, and either French or German, but what else is unknown to me. Grandpa just used to say he was 'Heinz 57', so maybe some tomato too? ;o)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I hate hormones!

Sorry the last post was so long.
It did come with a warning! :)

I didn't really see a way to break it up, I would think it confusing to come in on the second half of a long winded story and have to go back in the posts to get the whole thing.... but I am computer illiterate! :o)

Well, for others who, like me, are hating their natural cycles and hormones, I found an almost all inclusive article on WebMD. I found it helpful, I hope you do too!

I am going to get back to trying to be a good mommy now, pray it works!


Monday, November 07, 2005

"It's a bitter end, when the sweet begins....."

Feeling like writing so this post comes with a warning.

WARNING: This post may not be suitable for all audiences. Those who do not wish to be bombarded by emotions and horomones, should avoid contact.

CAUTION: Author has been known to give out entirely TMI!

Much of the no good, low down, very bad year this year hasn't exactly been mysterious. But it has been a very medical year!

Last December I was anxiously awaiting the results of an HCG Pregnancy test. I had taken 4 home tests, but they were so lightly colored, I didn't believe them, hence there were 4! SO I paid to have a blood pregnancy test run and it came back negative. I called the OB and explained and they oredered the blood test and said to take it in a week.

Finally I got the call from the DR and it was to make an appointment, we were expecting a new addition!

A week or two before my appointment, I started spotting. I said, "It's just what my body does, I spot during my pregnancies." It didn't go away. I also didnt start getting sick, and I got very sick with the 3 babies I do have.

At the 1st appt. I had an ultrasound that showed a 5 week sac. That was right where my calculations should've had us, but not the LMP (last menstral peroid) which said we were 9 weeks along. We schedualed another ultrasound for 2 weeks to see.

I made it thru my sons first birthday, no problem, and even through a party for him. These events seem to always come close to others. I can't seem to do anything on a day that doesn't matter, nope, gotta be close or on someones special day.

Anyway, a week after my son's birthday, I miscarried. It also happened to be 4 years to the day from the day my Daddy died of cancer. So I at least had my sister and some comfort food.
I then spent the loneliest weekend in bed all alone, and "resting" which I have never been good at!
"Lord, please, not today! Not right now. I can't take all of this! I am not capable! But YOU are Lord. I will trust YOU to be bigger than this and capable for me"
"It's a bitter end when the sweet begins. Grace is sufficiency."

One month later my little sister, who is my close friend, became pregnant with their first baby. As you've seen, her pregnancy finished well. It was hard at first to be truely happy, but I wanted it so much that I was unwilling to throw a pity party! The Lord helped me to be there for her. And I am so glad He did, cause I couldn't have gotten out of "me" without Him!

Time passed and the fog lifted and it was easier to not think about it and it didn't hurt as much.

June came and, at the end of the month, we found out we were expecting! I was so scared, but I did start getting sick as usual! Then came the first appt, with ultrasound! We got to see the baby's heart beating and watch the little legs moving around it was so cute!

I continued to be sick and sicker. Had to go be rehydrated at our ER cause the Urgent Care didn't want to take us it was so late. They gave me some shots to make it "all better", hummm, not the case. I did, however fell really drugged! I was sick for the next 3 weeks and the 4th week started to be able to get things for myself and even washed the dishes! My throwing up had lessened, but it still happened a couple of times a day.

The last Monday in August was our next DR appt., and they said all the tests were great, I gained a pound, and then we tried the Doplar.
We tried and tried, but we couldn't find the heartbeat. The nurse said it happens sometimes, we would go to the next room and do an ultrasound. As I dressed I prayed, "Lord, prepare me for Your will. YOU know my heart, but have Thine own way in my life." How my heart sank then, and I knew. I went to the other room, they offered that my mom and kids could come in, as they were waiting in the other room. I said no. I didn't want them to see what I knew was coming, and sure enough, The baby was dead. No heart beat, 4 weeks small. My placenta was still attached and my body didn't recognize the problem, so it was called a missed miscarriage.

You know, I like the term 'miscarriage' much better that 'spontaneous abortion' one seems colder and cruel.

I asked how long they'd give me, she consulted and said, a week. That was a long week! My daughter celebrated her 6th birthday, and thankfully nothing happened to ruin this birthday! During that week we decided to follow the medical advice and have the D&C procedure. Something I thought I'd never go through. It all seemed like a bad dream, and I couldn't give up hope. After all I was still sick, doesn't that mean everything's going fine? Maybe there were twins and I lost one. Maybe they were wrong some how. Maybe God would give me the miracle I so hoped for.
"Lord, please give me Your strength to get through this. You have led me through much before, help. I don't feel You, and it hurts so much. I know You are with me, You said You always would be, and You are not a man that You should lie. Lord, You know I want a miracle, I pray that You would make in my life what You wish and help me through this valley."

The second ultrasound showed the same as the first, no heart beat, now 5 weeks small and the placenta holding on.

We had the D&C later that week. It felt really weird going to our failing outlet mall that they are turning several stores into medical centers, but it was an outlet mall! Made me wonder what I was doing! But I didn't feel there were many choices now. If the Lord wanted it to happen on it''s own, it would have by then.

7 weeks passed, and I seemed to be doing better and life seemed to be heading back to normal, then I started gushing blood, only a couple of gushes, but definitely a bad thing. I started cramping badly, and in the midst of all that upheaval I, of coarse, being me, pass out. I was out longer than my husband has seen before and he was checking to see if I was breathing. Once again I was confused, didn't know where I was or why and just wanted back to where ever I was that I didn't have to feel anything, because now I hurt!
After a call to the OB we were off to the ER for an 8 hour stay where they scared us and reminded me I just want to die at home!
All that they came up with was wrong that day, but the DRs advice was a prescription to make the bleeding stop, and come in to them that week.

My little sister had her baby! I cried. I was happy don't get me wrong, but I hurt too.
The hospital was a hard place to be, I was just there the Saturday before, and everything reminded me that "hope deferred maketh the heart sick" I would have had a baby when I had my D&C if I hadn't lost that one. And I would be fat and happy pregnant, even knowing who we were expecting, if we hadn't recently lost.

When we had the appointment, she read us the radiologist findings from our ultrasound and for some reason, I have a thick lining on my uterus that isn't detaching on it's own. So only part of it was detaching at a time, causing abnormal bleeding. Solution: 10 days of progesterone and then the worst cycle of my life. But it will hopefully all let go then.

Well that brings us to this weekend, I took dose 9 on Saturday with dinner, and woke Sunday morning to my cycle. Well this isn't supposed to happen, I am on the hormones, and I am not supposed to bleed on them. Then again this is the girl whose body refuses to fit into the medical criteria. Looks normal, tests normal, acts completely abnormal! The answer to my medical questions is usually "I don't know." The only comfort in that is that some DRs can admit they don't know! I took the final dose last night and figured I'll call the OB office when they open.

I have a hard time hearing that many of the people I know are expecting. It is a joyful thing, for them, and I too am joyful for them, but it is the pang of sorrow, a sharp reminder that I have to wait to hold those babies. I wont experience the joy they bring here.
I have also been told to "be thankful for the three kids" I already have. Sometimes I wish people would keep their advice to themselves! I love my kids! I know it would hurt abundantly more to loose one of them! I simply hurt for the people I have lost.

Yet in this I have hope, I will see them again when all things are made new.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

The Recipe Doctor

In response to my "Let them eat cake" post I recieved a link to Healthy Eating by The Recipe Doctor, Elaine Maggee, RD.
She knows much more than I about dieting and I was told she can lighten up any meal.

Isaiah James

Today I decided to try adding a picture. :-b
And what better picture than my newest nephew, Isaiah!

He was born on the 26th of October, 2005, weighing 6 lbs. 1 oz, measuring 19 in. This picture was taken same day! He had hardly any blemishes and had a cute disposition. When my kids are just born they eat and/or sleep, but Isaiah, he plays! He was learning more about his tongue and how it feels and works! What a boy!

Yea! I did it! That's almost too easy. My Kodak Easy Share programme is harder and it's supposed to be "easy"!

Well, in other news.... I got my licence in the mail, so I don't actually have to go to the DMV!

Now all I need to know is if I have to do this every three years, the medical paperwork says it is only good for three years, or if I have to do it as conditions change? Maybe every time I have to renew? Who knows?

That's all for now I think.... I posted a picture, and what a cute one! ;o)

Friday, November 04, 2005

"Let them eat cake"

How many of us are on some sort of irrational diet that leaves practically nothing on the safe list?

My husband was told, 4 years ago, that he has high cholsterol. Since then we have been on a low fat, low cholesterol, low sodium diet and tried a "promise to make you healthy" meal replacement plan. Now on top of trying a product line called USANA , we are trying for low glysemic too!

I have no idea what to fix for dinner that meets all the criteria and isn't always chicken!

Stir fry has become my new favorite. I try to do more veggies and no starchy side dishes, but it is still a pain to figure out what to make.

I have also tried to look up recipes at Kraft and modify the recipe to suit us. Their site is really cool. It has a search tool that lets you search for recipes by ingredent, like ground beef or pork, or also search by meal, like breakfast or dinner. It has nutritional labels for almost every recipe too!

Well, I have dinner figured out for tonight so I should quit gripping!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

When troubles come.....

The saga begins.

One of the many trials we have endured this year is almost over!
I have either seizures, syncope (fainting), or convulsive syncope, and I suppose there is the possibility I have Non-Epileptic Events.

All that said, I had to renew my driver's licence this July, and because of these events (and the fact that I was honest) I had to under go re-evaluation. Unfortunately, I didn't like my 1st Neurologist much, and the 2nd had moved out of the area, so I had to see a third. That, of coarse, meant I couldn't get into the DR before the deadline, thus my licence was suspended.
The CA DMV doesn't offer extensions to their deadlines.

I got the paperwork faxed the same day it was filled out, then had my phone interview with a hearing officer, then had a behind the wheel test. By far the most nerve racking part!!!!
I passed, and got the letter today, I get my licence back! Yea!

During that time of all the paperwork, red tape and hoops to jump through, our insurance company decided not to renew our policy, which expires at the end of this month.
Now I have a licence, and no insurance. Hopefully we will have that all fixed up later today.

Any way, it's good to have one thing almost resolved.
"When troubles come, they come not single spy, but in battalions"
~ Shakespeare

Thankfully, the DMV personel were all helpful and nice, the DR was willing to admit he may not know what is going on, and it is almost finished!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Have Thine Own Way

Some times as trials come into our lives, we try to take control, or rationalize, maybe even have a pity party.... But how I long to simply say: "LORD, have Thine own way."

This post comes on the heals of several trials and falls this year. We have had loss and health difficulties, and therefore financial difficulties, and yet He is faithful and patient with me. (Even when I am throwing a pity party.)

I suppose I will use this blog as a venting tool. Maybe someone will read it, maybe not; perhaps, it will do good for me to simply speak my mind and heart.