Trying not to be Naaman

Housework, my nemesis... I usually approach my tasks with a mix of dreadful procrastination and forgetfulness. Not the best mix for a job that you have daily to face!

I was having to force myself to choose to wash *part* of the mountain of dishes, and work some on the laundry instead of finding some new, useful information online. ;)  As I stood there trying to sing some praise songs to put my heart into it, these thoughts came into my heart.
I am not rejoicing in my daily work.
This is where God has put me for now.
This task is not too great for me. 
Am I working at it as unto the Lord? Sadly. No.

Am I being Naaman?
You remember Naaman, right? From 2 Kings 5
He had leprosy and came to Israel to be healed.
Being of great importance in his own mind, he was put off by the lack of ceremony the prophet Elisha gave him.  To top it off his healing remedy was one he felt foolish... to wash in the Jordan! when he could've just washed at home in water he felt was better!

But his servants came to him with a wise question:
“My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’!”

 This changed his perspective and was what had changed mine, for the evening anyway. ;)

If He, the Lord, sent me to do some "great thing," some difficult thing, some sacrificial thing, would I not do that?  How much more the house work?  The disciplining of young hearts and minds? 
These are truly great things (though in the daily grind I loose sight of their greatness more often than I'd like to admit.)

So, with renewed vision, I seek to honor and rejoice in the menial tasks of my life.  

Psalm 150 ~revised

¹ Praise the Lord.

Praise God in this home;
    praise him in the midst of dishes.
² Praise him for his acts of grace;
    praise him for his surpassing patience.
³ Praise him with the sound of  singing,
    praise him with the mop and bucket,
⁴ praise him with tambourine and dancing,
    praise him with the wash load and iron,
⁵ praise him with the cry of babies,
    praise him with resounding laughter.

⁶ Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

 

Praise the Lord.

Encouragement

My Honey and I have just started a new Bible study together, just the two of us.  :)  We are going through 1 Peter.  As we talked and the conversation lead around to many things, I found myself admitting the defeated attitude I have let settle on me so often of late.  The "What good am I doing?" and "Why am I not impacting the Kingdom." issues I've mentioned a few times maybe...

Then, the very next day after that admission to him I was at the baby shower.  So many friends I haven't seen in a long time were there, and I made a few new ones too! :)  It was great!
My kids roamed in and out among other ladies there then back again to me, and helped care for Karissa.  One thing I got from a few people was what a good job I must be doing with my kids since "they are such a joy to be around." Now being one whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation, I was on a real high from the sincere, and un-phished-for compliments I received.  They felt like the Spirit stirring in me saying, "What you are doing with them is just what I have called you to do.  Continue to be faithful with these littles."
It is seldom that one can realize the impact of their words or actions on another, but those few ladies and their kindness was the refreshing drink this parched soldier needed... the cup of water to the least of these, my servants - so to speak.

I left there not only refreshed, but also with renewed vision that this place I am at of laundry, dishes and dirty diapers is where I have been called, is important and is working to His Glory!

So be encouraged to grow right where you're planted!  I know I am!

When I was in a funk

I had the pleasure of going to a baby shower this weekend with all of my little ladies. :)

We were so blessed to join the Momma to be and Grandmas to be in their joy and celebration!

Oddly though, I sometimes feel the need to avoid these situations.  I get nervous about who will be there, just like my first grade self so many years ago worried about "having a friend." I also worry about the gift portion... it seems I can worry about nothing if I let me.  What if they don't really care for my gift, especially if I made something... or what if someone makes a big deal out of it... that gets nervous too.  Like I want them to like it, but I don't want any attention from it. :\
So when I looked into going, I got nervous!  If I didn't love this Momma so much, I may have allowed myself to back out to avoid the inner conflicts.

Then this morning came.  I was excited, yet apprehensive about the hand made parts of the gift, and a little rushed to get everyone ready.  I felt a little flustered about certain things not coming together.  As we tried to get my little Aliyah and Brianna together for a picture and it wasn't working out, and Honey got irritated, and my hope of this memorial picture fizzled before my eyes... I allowed myself to get in a funk, announced it was time to go, and got everyone in the car.  Now I was feeling mad at just about everyone, and I was "running behind" on the time I felt we needed to leave, and my attitude was icky!

In the car, I told the girls I was not in a good mood, and that we were not off to a great start.
Within a couple of minutes of silent reflection, the Lord gave me a Psalm song to sing: "Create in me a clean heart oh God, and renew a right spirit with in me."  After that another song: "Father I adore you.  Lay my life before you.  How I love you."  I began to feel that I was so concerned over what doesn't really matter at all, that I was loosing track of what was.  I am His vessel, and I need not get so worked up over these little things that aren't His plan anyway!

I sang "Have Thine Own Way" the verse with the potter.  A thought came to me of the polymer clay I had made a few things with especially for the Momma at this shower.  One of the colors was extremely soft and supple, while another was drier and a bit crumbly.  I remember thinking, I want to be the soft workable clay. (Going to get a hands on Bible Study for the kids with this idea!)

Another couple of songs, and I was a new Momma!  I was ready to do my job... Love my Husband and Children.  I was ready to face the party with a proper perspective and with an uplifted face.
:)
Thank You Lord for not leaving me in the mire I made for myself.  Thank you for friends and a chance to rejoice with them.  Thank you for the reminders of the work you will complete in me.
I love you!
Amen.

Processing

I've been slowly reading Radical, and have heard many convicting accounts of the Ameri-Christian need to be more out-reaching from several sources.  After all the Great Commission does say Go.

I am wondering through all of this though about why we focus on Go and do nothing where we Stay?

If we are to think globally, wouldn't it be good to start by impacting those nearest us?  Does not God place us in such a place as this as well as "at such a time?" 
I am all for thinking less like a spoiled, materialist... and I am trying, to the chagrin of my inner American.  However, I think we are really missing the intent to reach all peoples if we don't look to those who are already in our own circles, neighborhoods and families!

And what impact would we have being a missionary to a foreign country if we lived our lives there the way we do here?  Jesus asked what more people were doing in their own lives than those without faith. (Matt. 5:46)

This is all so convicting to me.  Here in my comfy computer chair, in a nice rural home, with all of the creature comforts.  We pat ourselves on the back for not living above our means -like so many others- and enjoy so many of the blessings of modern convenience.  And it makes me sick to think of the people who could live on the money wasted in my own home. 

As the title suggests, I'm really just hashing out the reality of my own life, and the greater reality of the life God is calling me to...
It leaves me wondering if my little brood of disciples are all He has for me, or if I am wasting the "talents" in only doing as much as so many others... taking care of my family.  I don't think I can just throw more money at it and call it good.  God didn't say "send your check book," but "Go."  Yet in the early church we see that some went, and some financed with prayer and money.  Not all were asked to go, but to stay and impact their own corner of the globe.

Lord, You show me what You would have me do.  Help me to focus on Your Will and Heart, and Your approval, not mans.
~Amen~

views

I iron *the* pink dresses. 
   The ones I learned to sew just so that I could make them. 
The pink satiny fabric always looks better freshly ironed;
    as I watch them change from wrinkly to smooth and from dull to shiny
                                                                                                                  I think.

I see in them the mistakes. 
       the imperfections.
The stains I could never get out and the snags that have come.

I also see two little girls excitedly trying them on for the first time.

I see the last time they fit their own dress.

I now see the two little sweeties who are so excited they have grown into them!  They want to wear them anywhere and everywhere!  It is for them that I work to unwrinkle, smooth and shine them tonight.


And yet all they see is the shiny ;) 
                                 and the love that went into making them.
They see the rarely used iron out just for their dresses and can't wait to get into them.
     They see them as special, not noticing the little ink stains, the snags or the sewing mistakes!

It kinda reminds me of another view.

The view I have of myself... my constant failings as a Christian, as a wife, and as a mother... my failings as a friend, or a daughter or a sister... 

                  I view all of my short comings, while maybe others see my strengths or successes.  

The view that really matters is that of God.
    He says that I am no longer condemned if I be in Christ.  
          He says that I am loved by Him.  
                He says my weaknesses are my strengths for His power is made perfect in them.
I'm trying to teach myself to view His view. 
I'm trying to learn to replace my own condemnations with His affirmations (of course I can tell me that I *do* need to make sure that He doesn't have any criticisms for me as well!)

Wish that were as easy as smoothing the wrinkles from those little pink dresses!

Gifts are meant to be Given

 I used to give my mom gift baskets of bath stuff or other little pretty things, but I noticed... if it came all wrapped up in a pretty display, she would keep it that way!  She probably has 2 or 3 bath set baskets gathering dust, and still complete, on her bathroom shelf!  She has never opened or used these gifts because they are so pretty to her.

God is so awesome in giving each of us gifts!
Sometimes we keep those gifts on our own shelf gathering dust.
  Gifts are to be used to serve others.

We don't all have the same gifts.  Just like we would not want to live without our foot or our armpit, the Body of Christ needs the diversity of each gift to work and be healthy.  Sometimes I think those of us with more armpit like gifting ;) look at the feet and mouth and think we don't have anything to share since we don't have those gifts.  I know I can feel like I'm not really doing anything of import or even wonder if I have gifts to give (which are both lies of the enemy to prevent us from using the gifts we have.) But God has given each of us gifts to share with others.

 But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.

  If they were all one part, where would the body be?  As it is, there are many parts, but one body. 

1 Corinthians 12: 18-20

 Some gifts are for the building and edifying of the Church and some for sharing Truth with the world.  Paul did not baptize many, but came preaching the Word, expecting that others would continue the work he began with the gifts they had been given.  

1 Corinthians 

1:17  For Christ did not send me to baptize, 

but to preach the gospel—not with words of human wisdom, 

lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power. 

3:6 I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow.

3:10 By the grace God has given me, 

I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. 

But each one should be careful how he builds.

So we each work with what gifts the Spirit has given us. And each part builds upon the last part.  So each part is useful in it's own way, and needed to edify, and build up.Be encouraged!  Dust off those shelved gifts and use them to the Glory of God; Who gave them freely to you. :)

Materialist American Christmas

In May 2008 I ranted about this Materialist American Gifting Holiday Obsession, but I seem to follow the same currents of thought, so here we go again! ;)

Since I posted that before Mother's Day 08, I have found that I do have more of a gift giving love language than I had before, or realized before.  I like to give things to others.  Especially if I find the perfect thing for that person!  :)  I like to make someone's day with a card for no reason, or a "I saw this and thought of you."  I also do like to receive things, and had felt on certain occasions a little down when there seemed to be no thought put into me. (which was sad to realize after the rant before!)

I don't think gift giving is wrong, but I do question the motive and the elaborate obsession we seem to have with giving others things at the holidays.  Sure that holiday giving spirit seems sweet, until people are trampled because the door busters on Black Friday sales just opened!  Some spirit! No thanks!

And what of real needs that are not being met?
"I can't afford to take care of my family and an orphan in another country."  Oh, but you *can* afford the Disney Vacation?  The XBox 360?  The latest and greatest I-pad?  So you are ok with this person drinking water from a common, sewage rich, pond where livestock is washed, and cannot afford to do anything about it; while you drink bottled Fugi water and Google the-newest-desire-you-have on your I-pad?
You don't even have to go that far away!  What about the under-dressed, under-fed in our own towns?  Maybe they don't have raw animal filth in their water, but maybe they also don't have a jacket, or shoes that fit?  Maybe they haven't eaten but once this week?

How can I justify spending hundreds of dollars on my already materially spoiled children, while another child dies from lack of basic life needs!?!
If we all just spent less this CHRISTmas on our own decadence, and put the rest of that usual spending toward charity, or toward a family you already know who is struggling... that's the kind of spirit I think would honor God and bless, truly bless, others.

~Exiting Soap Box~ for now ;)

Leaving room in *your* plans for God's

I don't like to talk too much about things I do that are motivated by the Spirit. 
I get lost somewhere between "Don't let the right hand know what the left is doing..." and "Let your light shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."  But sometimes it needs to be shared or recorded so I can have my memorial stone.

Some days when I feel God is prompting my heart to do something, I over analyze it: "Is this really from Him or out of my own desire to be loved by others?" "Am I doing this to please Him, them, or me?" and many such questionings.  While I think we do need to check our motives, I think over analyzing them will hinder our impact and blessing.

I was blessed to visit the Rescue Kennel with my kids this week, and knowing the dear saints running the place had a busy day, and little funds, I decided to make them a dinner.  Save them some time, and some money... to me a really small contribution to their health and well being.  I started in on the over analyzation (that can just be another Monicaism) yet I could not shake the need, and did not feel it was just from me.  I made something, packed it all up and showed up early (earlier than I meant!) to give it to them without the other members of the field trip.
When they received it, they were both very appreciative, but the thing that struck me most was when Kathy told me they had no food in the house!  She had not had a chance to get to a store, and wouldn't until late that evening, if then, so she had no idea what they would eat!  It struck me again, when she wrote on my facebook (so much for that left hand being ignorant!) that it was the first meal she ate that day!!!  
What if I had analyzed it until I was certain I had wrong motives, or just "didn't have the time with all the getting ready for the day?"  Or what ever other excuse I could have come up with...

Thank You Lord for impressing upon me to follow Your lead!  Thank You for the opportunity to bless others, and may I give You the glory for the good You accomplish in me.  Thank You for over coming my over analyzing! and always meeting me right where I'm at!
I love You!

These are my disciples

I have been very impressed lately with thoughts of training my children.

These *are* my disciples. 

Deuteronomy 6:7-9

  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. 

I often can get discouraged that I am not "impacting the world" or "reaching others," but this thought keeps coming back to me... These are my disciples.
I would not give up these 6 little people that *were* given to me  to train in everything! yet somehow I find myself discouraged in my lack of evangelizing the rest of society.

I think it comes back to a misunderstanding prevalent in our Christian circles, "Missionary means those in foreign lands not me."  But the Bible doesn't use the word Missionary it uses Witness.

Acts 1:8

"You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

To be a witness I don't need to leave and go anywhere, I need to share right where I am. And for now that happens to be in the kitchen and laundry room and the teaching and training phases of child-rearing.  This is where I have a real impact anyway.  They see how I live and act, good and bad; they hear what I say and how I say it to them and to others.  Is my life a reflection of Christ?  They would be the best ones to ask since they see me in all situations and at all times.

A possible reason I think it is easy to fall into the pit of discouragement, is if you are doing what God has called you to, you will be in conflict with the world and with the enemy of our souls.

Another key point that's been on my heart...
Even "purposeful parenting" won't work if you aren't modeling what you are teaching.  "More is caught than taught."  It can be as simple as talking with your mouth full to tell them not to do so; or as important as not hearing both sides to an argument before deciding which child was wronged... "everyone should be quick to listen."  <<< ouch!  How many times have I convicted my little man without hearing him out?!? :/

So discipleship is living out my faith in the presence of the little disciples I am blessed to have, and all others that God places in my path, doing what I can to be a faithful witness. :) Right where I am.

Fruit + Focus = Failure

Galatians 5:22-23

"But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

I have been wondering lately about striving for having fruit... it seems sometimes I am looking for fruit in myself and in my children and striving to make it be there.

Perhaps though, it is the natural occurrence of living in the Spirit, and won't show up just because I am trying for it?

Perhaps, it comes only when we seek the Spirit and not the results of His work...

"But Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness, 
and all these things shall be added unto you."

It is so easy to emphasize certain behaviors and overlook the real issue... the condition of the heart.

I guess that's why "not everyone who says to me {Jesus} "Lord, Lord." will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." and that some on the Day of Judgement will be telling God how much *they* have done for Him! (Imagine that!)  They have their "fruit" and "good works" to display, but the condition of the heart is "Look how much I did for you God!" ~~ and to think they will be standing face to face with Him Who Gave All for them, claiming their right to enter His Kingdom.

Jesus commended the prayer of the tax collector, "Lord, forgive me, a sinner." and not the lofty prayer and righteous acts (remember how great I am God?) of the Pharisee.

We should certainly have fruit to show; not from our striving and seeking fruit, but from our striving and seeking the Spirit above all else.

And another day goes by...

We managed to get into our Pediatrician Monday, and get 3 kids seen; two in the morning and 1 late in the day... which means 2 trips into town, no naps, nothing done around the home front.
2 of those have ear infections, which brings the family total to 3 kids... 4 ears since Baby Karissa has a double :-/ The one little one who sounded the worst actually isn't sick. Probably allergy yuckies, but nothing they Drs are worried about.

Tuesday, trying to listen to the wise advice from Leslie in my comments the other day, I took a nap and did pretty much nothing else... well, we did do Bible time! I also went to bed at a reasonable time! (shocked? I am!)

Today we have a few errands which went surprisingly well! Thanking God for a working Vacuum! So today I maybe undid the rest from yesterday, but it has been soooo long since we had a vac that I hardly waited til we were inside to plug it in! Seems kinda sad to me that I am so proud of my accomplishments for vacuuming the two largest rooms in our house and washing dishes... but I am happy it is done!

And now as I try to wind down, my mind is spinning every-which-a-way with thoughts...
like choosing to thank God for giving antibiotics as a way to help heal our bodies, instead of mulling over the sad "Baby's first" foods (flavors) ranking "fruit gum flavored amoxicillin" in the top few. (Of course, she has scavenged a few things I wish she hadn't too)
or wondering if I am selfish for snuggling her close as she sleeps and savoring that moment; when earlier, though she cried, I could not simply sit and hold her... too much to do... :(
and have I even learned the lesson that *this* time goes so swiftly!? Sure we need clean dishes, but won't they always be there? She will not always be this small and demanding (she'll be larger and demanding ;) lol) and I Will Miss This!

So I may just blog a couple of un-numbered gratitudes.

• Cilantro Flowers
• Being able to walk more easily (after cyst removal/stitches)
• The feel of soft baby hair against my chest... close to my heart.
• The little bee in the zucchini flower.
• Cool breeze after a long, hot day.
• Wind blowing ripples in the alfalfa.
• Unexpectedly bumping into dear friends. (gotta love Costco! lol)
• Our first "mini-batch" of salsa from our own garden stock!
• Friendly, helpful nurses.
• Antibiotics, wisdom God has given to men for our benefit.
  
• A working Vacuum.. same day, cheaper than expected!
• Sunshine through the clouds.
• The occasions when I do well instructing my children.
• Honesty -- even when it hurts.
• The odd places & ways little people find to sleep.

Comparisons

"Be holy, for I am holy." 1 Peter 1:16 & Leviticus 19:2

Many people's idea of their own righteousness is :
"I'm not as bad as ___________ so I'm just fine."
Often this comes with a list of what they don't do so that they "aren't as bad as" whomever they choose to compare themselves with.

Yet God's call is "Be Holy as I AM Holy." not "Be better than your parents, co-workers, or the deadbeat down the street." He isn't asking us to simply not do the awful outward sins that we often think are bad... murder, steal, cheat... He is asking us to do that which we see needs doing... looking after the poor and the oppressed, the prisoner, the widow and orphan, the "least of these." James 4:17 tells us that "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do, and doesn't do it, sins."

Everyone falls short of God's standard. (Romans 3:23)
He knows we will. That's why there's grace.
But that doesn't change the standard.

The flip side of this coin is to compare yourself with those who "do/are better."
Often we judge ourselves on our bad day against someone else's good day (or the mask they let you see in public.) When it says "all have sinned." it meant ALL. Jesus is the only One to live sinlessly, and no matter what someone else does better than you do, they are still gonna fall short. They too are sinners who need grace no matter how "all together" they seem to have it!

Stop comparing with others, and start comparing to
HIS Holy Standards and only His view of you!

Remember that He also has called you Friend! an adopted (grafted in) child! You are co-heir to Heaven!
He "does not treat us as our sins deserve" (Psalm 103) or look down saying "What a horrid woman that Monica is... why did We offer her grace?!?" NO! He sees me (and all of my mistakes) and says that He loves me, His strength is made perfect in my weakness and His Grace is sufficient to cover me! Thank You Lord! (2 Corinthians 12:9)

When I am weak then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)

I think I struggle with more inward sins. From the outside looking in, I probably "have it all together." I'm trying not to portray this to others and to be more transparent. The battle of the mind is where most of my warfare lies. To take every thought captive can be exhausting some days!
I also fall in the comparing with others I think are better category. It is so easy to look and see that this person is a spiritual giant compared to me, or that this other woman is such a wonderful mother! (and I'm not)

Remember we're all gonna fall at some time (James 3:2)
and it's not that we don't fall that makes us successful,
it's that we get back up! (Proverbs 24:16)

Spiritual Goosebumps

Lynnette at Dancing Again has such a heart to see triumph over our afflictions and victory in Christ Jesus! Hop on over to her blog and read of this passion! She is such a welcoming and encouraging blog sister! I hope her joy spills all over you as it has me :)

My story:
I was raised in a Christian home that faithfully attended church. The abuse I experienced as a child was not from within the home, but like so many others, from people close. It started young enough that I don't remember ever even realizing it was wrong or abusive. This was just part of life.
Being a victim of an abuse, if not worked through, makes you more vulnerable for other abuse. Such was the case with me.
Aside from the abuse issues, I was on a downward spiritual slope. I wanted what was evil, I sought it. I was into drugs, alcohol, spiritism, promiscuity; my thoughts were vile and I hated me! I had great grades, was considered to be a good kid by friend's parents (which means we got away with more) and other than my very obviously immodest attire, most would never have guessed that my backpack had whiskey my friend stole from her parents for me and very few books! I lead others into temptation and sin, some of them away from God and toward what is evil. I struggle sometimes looking at what has come in their life that I had a part in. What a train wreak! I was desperate. I hated me and wanted the easy out. I considered suicide and the person who "saved me" from myself, built trust in me he later decided to take advantage of. I found myself wondering if it is abuse when you are compelled to do something and it leads to a place you don't want to go? yet do anyway.

I continued to spiral out of control, but got my head together enough to get off of drugs and alcohol. By this time I was 13. After an inappropriate relationship with a 32 year old man (yes when I was 13) things began to really change. I attended a Back to Genesis conference with my mom. I'm not even sure what all happened there, but it was moving and exciting! Change was really getting a hold of me and I felt different.
I decided to look into this religion thing. I researched and studied. I had a group of friends that would discuss this at lunch with me. One became Jewish at the end of it!

Then one night I felt broken in my spirit. I wept and repented, but felt I was being moved to go to my mom and confess. I felt the Spirit really moving me, and believe me I was fighting going to confess, but I had no peace! I went and spilled all of the contents of my heart to her. I sought forgiveness, and though I don't remember saying some official prayer or anything I look back to this night as the day I received Salvation.
I was saved from much! Much more than many even realize if they only know who I am now. I am so unlike that person that at times it is hard to believe it was me!

I did not mature quickly in the faith, and found myself in habits of sin, especially double mindedness and promiscuity. I was perfectly capable of going Monday through Saturday living my way, and carving out Sunday for God... or at least enough time for church and Sunday School. I taught children's Sunday school and VBS, went on missions to Mexico... but really I was so compartmentalized that I never considered my hypocrisy. Until I couldn't hide it!
God chose to bless me in my sin, and I have Ysabella to show for it!
This is where more big changes jump in!
As a 17 year old high school student I was quite frightened over the idea of telling my mom, let alone everyone else that I was pregnant, but I chose to face it head on. Our church helped me to confess my sin in front of a Sunday school group they had chosen for me, and Dave (who was not a Christian yet) to attend. I started to look at what life as a Christian was really to be and to strive to seek His help to be that way!

The next really big Spirit moving experience I had came when we were pregnant for the second time in 2005. The first pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and had been hard on me, as well as our three littles who were so overjoyed to be having a new sibling. (Of the kids, it was probably hardest on Ysa, who was 5, and confusing for the other two at almost 3 and 1.)
Our first ultrasound showed a cute little bean of a baby ;) who was wiggling and had an excellent heart beat! The kids got to watch the newest Rivas on the screen and we were so excited! I got really sick! The next month was a struggle to keep things down and I had a trip to the ER for dehydration. At our second visit, as we tried to hear a heart beat, there was nothing. The nurse acted like it happened sometimes, old me to get dressed again, we'd move to the next room over for an ultrasound. She left to prepare the room, and give me privacy, and I cried out to God.
"Lord, I want to want what you have planned. Please prepare my heart for what is coming." And the Spirit moved, and I was deeply sad. I know God was answering my prayer, and allowing me to be ready. I felt overwhelmed with the sadness, yet comforted to feel the Comforter there with me. The nurse asked if my family in the waiting area should come, I said no. As we saw our baby on the screen, still as small as last time, with no heart beat I cried. We brought in my family, and as my now 6 year old saw our baby she said, "Mommy. Did our baby go to be with Jesus?" I said, "Yes Sweetie. This baby is with Jesus now." The next weeks were full with grief, the D&C I dreaded, and the sweet comfort of my Savior! I can look back there and remember that closeness; that resting peace.
The gold came out of the furnace further refined, and the dross swept away. I had a new understanding, a new outlook, and a new tender place for others.

God has used my sin, my circumstances, my pain, my joys to make me who I am now. God will continue to work until He has brought it to completion! Thank you Jesus! May you be glorified in me!

Do you have a story to share that could encourage someone walking a path you have? Do you have a testimony to the beauty that God will bring out of the ashes of your trials?

Failure

Sometimes I wonder why I write.
I like that you read it Tracey :) but I think we are alone out here... lost in the ocean of information we call the web!
I wonder if my motives are pure. Do I write because I want to help, or because I want reassurance, or praise of men? Do I think I have important things to share, or am I trying too hard???

So I question myself in writing this.

I woke up today feeling like a failure.
I'm failing my kids.
I'm failing my husband.
In doing those I'm failing God.
I'm failing my friends who need me.
I cannot keep up with house work and school work and yard work.
I cannot keep my tongue or attitude from being a snare and a problem.
I am just a failure.

So then I start wondering... where does all that come from?
Well, great expectations play a role. No one can do everything, but I expect myself to do almost everything, without a mistake. hmmm. maybe that's a perspective issue.

I know that I let others words/actions hurt me and allow their opinions too much weight. I really should be looking only to please God, but I find it hard not to want to please people.

Part of it may just be an attack, as I try to find things to rejoice over and be thankful always, in every circumstance... maybe this is just a challenge to see if I'll fight and keep on or flee?

When trying to reconcile my thoughts on whether or not to write this, I decided that maybe someone, who needs to hear that they are not alone in feeling this way at times, will stumble across this blog post and be encouraged that others do too sometimes.

I may fail... maybe even frequently, yet I think that even in failing I am not a failure. We learn more from our failings than from our successes... so as long as I choose to learn from those things, they cannot be true failings... can they. ;)

Of Dishes and Dusting

I was reminded today, while washing dishes, that instead of drudging through this seemingly endless task (and all the others in the life of housewives,) I should rejoice and give thanks for the blessings they represent. Those blessings, albeit disguised in mess, are: first, that we have food; second, we have the dishes themselves; and, most importantly, each represent a very special blessing... my family.
Maybe I should thank the Lord for each person the dish represents as I wash, and each full tummy, and the bounty He has provided. Maybe I could also pray for each precious-to-the-Lord person that doesn't have a full tummy, or a dish to eat from, or a place to call home.

Ephesians 5:¹⁹ Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Colossians 3:²³ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, ²⁴ since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

"It's a bitter end, when the sweet begins....."

Feeling like writing so this post comes with a warning.

WARNING: This post may not be suitable for all audiences. Those who do not wish to be bombarded by emotions and horomones, should avoid contact.

CAUTION: Author has been known to give out entirely TMI!

Much of the no good, low down, very bad year this year hasn't exactly been mysterious. But it has been a very medical year!

Last December I was anxiously awaiting the results of an HCG Pregnancy test. I had taken 4 home tests, but they were so lightly colored, I didn't believe them, hence there were 4! SO I paid to have a blood pregnancy test run and it came back negative. I called the OB and explained and they oredered the blood test and said to take it in a week.

Finally I got the call from the DR and it was to make an appointment, we were expecting a new addition!

A week or two before my appointment, I started spotting. I said, "It's just what my body does, I spot during my pregnancies." It didn't go away. I also didnt start getting sick, and I got very sick with the 3 babies I do have.

At the 1st appt. I had an ultrasound that showed a 5 week sac. That was right where my calculations should've had us, but not the LMP (last menstral peroid) which said we were 9 weeks along. We schedualed another ultrasound for 2 weeks to see.

I made it thru my sons first birthday, no problem, and even through a party for him. These events seem to always come close to others. I can't seem to do anything on a day that doesn't matter, nope, gotta be close or on someones special day.

Anyway, a week after my son's birthday, I miscarried. It also happened to be 4 years to the day from the day my Daddy died of cancer. So I at least had my sister and some comfort food.
I then spent the loneliest weekend in bed all alone, and "resting" which I have never been good at!
"Lord, please, not today! Not right now. I can't take all of this! I am not capable! But YOU are Lord. I will trust YOU to be bigger than this and capable for me"
"It's a bitter end when the sweet begins. Grace is sufficiency."

One month later my little sister, who is my close friend, became pregnant with their first baby. As you've seen, her pregnancy finished well. It was hard at first to be truely happy, but I wanted it so much that I was unwilling to throw a pity party! The Lord helped me to be there for her. And I am so glad He did, cause I couldn't have gotten out of "me" without Him!

Time passed and the fog lifted and it was easier to not think about it and it didn't hurt as much.

June came and, at the end of the month, we found out we were expecting! I was so scared, but I did start getting sick as usual! Then came the first appt, with ultrasound! We got to see the baby's heart beating and watch the little legs moving around it was so cute!

I continued to be sick and sicker. Had to go be rehydrated at our ER cause the Urgent Care didn't want to take us it was so late. They gave me some shots to make it "all better", hummm, not the case. I did, however fell really drugged! I was sick for the next 3 weeks and the 4th week started to be able to get things for myself and even washed the dishes! My throwing up had lessened, but it still happened a couple of times a day.

The last Monday in August was our next DR appt., and they said all the tests were great, I gained a pound, and then we tried the Doplar.
We tried and tried, but we couldn't find the heartbeat. The nurse said it happens sometimes, we would go to the next room and do an ultrasound. As I dressed I prayed, "Lord, prepare me for Your will. YOU know my heart, but have Thine own way in my life." How my heart sank then, and I knew. I went to the other room, they offered that my mom and kids could come in, as they were waiting in the other room. I said no. I didn't want them to see what I knew was coming, and sure enough, The baby was dead. No heart beat, 4 weeks small. My placenta was still attached and my body didn't recognize the problem, so it was called a missed miscarriage.

You know, I like the term 'miscarriage' much better that 'spontaneous abortion' one seems colder and cruel.

I asked how long they'd give me, she consulted and said, a week. That was a long week! My daughter celebrated her 6th birthday, and thankfully nothing happened to ruin this birthday! During that week we decided to follow the medical advice and have the D&C procedure. Something I thought I'd never go through. It all seemed like a bad dream, and I couldn't give up hope. After all I was still sick, doesn't that mean everything's going fine? Maybe there were twins and I lost one. Maybe they were wrong some how. Maybe God would give me the miracle I so hoped for.
"Lord, please give me Your strength to get through this. You have led me through much before, help. I don't feel You, and it hurts so much. I know You are with me, You said You always would be, and You are not a man that You should lie. Lord, You know I want a miracle, I pray that You would make in my life what You wish and help me through this valley."

The second ultrasound showed the same as the first, no heart beat, now 5 weeks small and the placenta holding on.

We had the D&C later that week. It felt really weird going to our failing outlet mall that they are turning several stores into medical centers, but it was an outlet mall! Made me wonder what I was doing! But I didn't feel there were many choices now. If the Lord wanted it to happen on it''s own, it would have by then.

7 weeks passed, and I seemed to be doing better and life seemed to be heading back to normal, then I started gushing blood, only a couple of gushes, but definitely a bad thing. I started cramping badly, and in the midst of all that upheaval I, of coarse, being me, pass out. I was out longer than my husband has seen before and he was checking to see if I was breathing. Once again I was confused, didn't know where I was or why and just wanted back to where ever I was that I didn't have to feel anything, because now I hurt!
After a call to the OB we were off to the ER for an 8 hour stay where they scared us and reminded me I just want to die at home!
All that they came up with was wrong that day, but the DRs advice was a prescription to make the bleeding stop, and come in to them that week.

My little sister had her baby! I cried. I was happy don't get me wrong, but I hurt too.
The hospital was a hard place to be, I was just there the Saturday before, and everything reminded me that "hope deferred maketh the heart sick" I would have had a baby when I had my D&C if I hadn't lost that one. And I would be fat and happy pregnant, even knowing who we were expecting, if we hadn't recently lost.

When we had the appointment, she read us the radiologist findings from our ultrasound and for some reason, I have a thick lining on my uterus that isn't detaching on it's own. So only part of it was detaching at a time, causing abnormal bleeding. Solution: 10 days of progesterone and then the worst cycle of my life. But it will hopefully all let go then.

Well that brings us to this weekend, I took dose 9 on Saturday with dinner, and woke Sunday morning to my cycle. Well this isn't supposed to happen, I am on the hormones, and I am not supposed to bleed on them. Then again this is the girl whose body refuses to fit into the medical criteria. Looks normal, tests normal, acts completely abnormal! The answer to my medical questions is usually "I don't know." The only comfort in that is that some DRs can admit they don't know! I took the final dose last night and figured I'll call the OB office when they open.

I have a hard time hearing that many of the people I know are expecting. It is a joyful thing, for them, and I too am joyful for them, but it is the pang of sorrow, a sharp reminder that I have to wait to hold those babies. I wont experience the joy they bring here.
I have also been told to "be thankful for the three kids" I already have. Sometimes I wish people would keep their advice to themselves! I love my kids! I know it would hurt abundantly more to loose one of them! I simply hurt for the people I have lost.

Yet in this I have hope, I will see them again when all things are made new.

Have Thine Own Way

Some times as trials come into our lives, we try to take control, or rationalize, maybe even have a pity party.... But how I long to simply say: "LORD, have Thine own way."

This post comes on the heals of several trials and falls this year. We have had loss and health difficulties, and therefore financial difficulties, and yet He is faithful and patient with me. (Even when I am throwing a pity party.)

I suppose I will use this blog as a venting tool. Maybe someone will read it, maybe not; perhaps, it will do good for me to simply speak my mind and heart.