But will it hurt.... much?

How many times I've prayed to see through God's eyes, and be His Hands and Feet...
I've noticed that I don't mind the hands or feet part cause it keeps me busy, but this business of seeing~

 and more to the point feeling

*sigh*

Sometimes I wish I didn't.

It can hurt... much... to feel.

I grieve the loss of a man I've never met, but whose words I've read and been refreshed by often.  He is accused of something detestable, and chose in desperation to end his own life.  This sure makes the accusation look formidable... why would he take such measures if it wasn't?  But I have no intention of believing it until I have to... innocent until proven guilty, right? or because it would tarnish the life of a man I respected?
Still suicide cuts deep into a wound I never expected would feel so fresh after so long.
 It hurts. much.

Tony would have had a birthday this month.  His 34th I believe.  It's hard to believe that it will be 6 years in October, but my mile-marker Pumpkin never lets me forget the passage of time.  She was one month old exactly.  How I have wished that didn't correlate!  How I really should be more thankful we had her to keep us moving forward through our grief ~because we had no other choice!

I am praying for the families involved, and shedding tears.  I have to remember that this pain I have (which is so incomparable to the family's) is a blessing to remind me to lift them up.

 

~Real Life~

I had a strange thought I'd like to share, and please let me know what you think of my reasoning/theology, or just share your own thoughts.

We are created to live eternally.
This place, the material existence we are so used to, is only temporary and really not real.
Heaven and Hell are what's real.

We don't really die in the sense most people think.
Those who leave this world for their eternity will be either alive forever in Heaven, or Hell.
So, you see, only those dead to this world are really alive.

My almost 3 year old asked me "Why did your baby die, Mommy?" and I think mulling over this brought on a sudden brainstorm of this death/life/eternity idea. I've usually thought of our babies as being completed souls, not as a certain age or as babies still, but just being perfected... so this idea of them being alive is nothing new to my mind. The contrast of them being the ones who are truly alive while those of us here are the ones not there yet is what struck me.

What say you?

thoughts on grieving

It's odd to me how grief work is done. No two grieving the same, like the snowflakes and grass blades... yet certain themes running deep within each of our journeys.
Sometimes grief seems like a familiar friend dropping by unannounced... never really certain how long she may stay; whether fleetingly passing through like a cloud blown over the face of the sun, or setting in like the darkness enveloping you with throbbing of heart and sobbing of flesh and spirit.
When I expect it, like on an anniversary of loss, often it is easier than I think it will be. Other times it seems like I'm caught unawares and it is harder than I am prepared for or think it should be.

It was that way in 2006. I was having Aliyah... one year after having a missed miscarriage, followed by a D&C that for me its self caused grief. That anniversary I had not prepared for... I held my sweet Punkin Pie in my arms and wept for the little one I only ever got to hold in my heart. All the while conscious stricken for mourning while in this time of joy. She was not a replacement in my mind, but I did wonder at myself for hurting so deeply that day while wrapping this little blessing I was holding. Why was it so hard that day?

It is now 6 years after that baby left us, though I don't know exactly when it happened, it was in August. The bringing up of the medical issues I thought I had finally gotten through with has only brought a fresh hurt to the surface and numerous questions.
2005, after finding out on a Monday that we had lost our little one, I went that week to a Neurologist (the very one my MD wants me to see now) to have an evaluation of my case history for DMV purposes. He wasn't a bad Dr or rude, but I simply didn't care and it jaded my opinion of him I think.
At that point in my grief, nothing mattered.

No driver's license? Who cares?
I don't have my baby any more.

But I left it all unsaid and let him think whatever of my disconnect he wanted.

Now just considering going back there has dug up things and feelings I didn't realize were still there. And grief seems to linger, close enough to be felt, but in the shadows of daily life.
Do I want to avoid going back because of the hurts it brings?
Do I hide behind the excuses that I don't think there's anything new to find? or why waste the money?
What is my motivation?

Joy sometimes seems elusive when Grief is hanging around, but perhaps that is because we have tried to rename Happiness as Joy; and Happy doesn't play well with Grief. But Joy can be there in all circumstances, as long as we cling to her twin Hope that is. We sometimes let go of Hope, but it doesn't mean Hope is gone, just that we are refusing to choose her companionship.

For now I am choosing, or trying to choose, to embrace Hope and seek out Joy whenever that shade Grief stops by. I can grieve and even cry, yet remain hopeful that my Joy cannot be taken and in the end good will be brought out of all.

How do you cope with grief work in your life?
Are you able to find joy in all circumstances?

Alice

Today a dear friend went to be with Jesus. While we rejoice with the angels over her home going, we mourn... deeply.
I had no idea how hard I would take that. It was sudden and shocking... and even after crying about it for hours it doesn't seem real!
Thankfully she is now whole. She is able to freely praise the Lord and isn't limited like she was here. It is obvious she touched many lives with the response I've seen, and will be dearly missed. She was ready though. She had her proverbial house in order, and would talk about "when I'm not around anymore" frequently enough that you knew she had her eyes on the goal and not the distance to it!

It is so odd to me that she was just here last Wednesday, and I was planning on calling her today so we could go visit them tomorrow. She brought back a cd I'd loaned her which we both really enjoyed... it was sad to listen to it today and yet sweet to sing the praises on it knowing that she was singing praises too! We were both adoring at the same time the Lord who brought us together and now has us parted for a time.

Neno said, "It makes me sad to think that they will not see Mrs. Moreland here anymore, they have to wait to see her in heaven, unless Jesus comes back..." It makes me sad too.

Alice, you are missed. Thank you Lord for the time you shared her with us! I pray we will be good stewards of our todays with our loved ones, and hold them close while we can.

tornado of the mind

I have so many mixed emotions today.
Sadness, Joy, Expectation, Love, Hurt all mixed up... and so many thoughts to go with them.

10 years ago today, my daddy went to be with Jesus. I'm so filled with Joy that he is there; he is whole; he is free from this world and his struggles; I will see him again. So Sad that I have lost an important man in my life, before so much of my life could happen; that my sister hasn't had him there, even for her wedding; that my kids will only know of him, not know him; missing him.

6 years ago today I let go of the hope that would've been our child in the late summer of that year. I was so hurt at the idea of loosing on this day, why this day; but it has been a blessing to me to have one day to mourn and not two. I am glad God always knows better!!!

I have love for them, hope that one day we will be together, and hurt at having lost their presence in my life for now.
I don't even know I can express in words what today has felt like, but bittersweet seems to be one of my favorites. I'm not going to pretend to be where I'm not. I'm not just fine, but I'm not overwhelmed. I do not mourn like those who have no hope, but I do mourn. I've had my moments, and not when or where I expected them.

Now I don't even know how to end my post... nor what I really wanted to say.

What's in a day?

I've noticed some patterns in my life that strike me as odd. How is it that these things line up? Do I make associations that really aren't connected? Well, maybe sometimes, but others there's just no way I could make it happen.

This is a hard week. I knew it would be. It really does feel bitter and sweet, an almost indescribable sort of pang, but at least it isn't overwhelming.

Wednesday it will be 9 years since my daddy died of cancer. I miss him, but I'm soooo glad he isn't here suffering through this life! The odd correlations here are that it will also be the 5th anniversary of the loss of a pregnancy; and that my Uncle died yesterday with a very similar story. Aggressive cancer found too late, very short hospice, dies within 3 days of when my dad did.
It's all culminating in my Blues.

This baby was due 9-9-05; and as it would turn out we were having a D&C that day for the second miscarriage of that year. Another oddity.

Maybe I'm too nostalgic. I really shouldn't live in the past. I try not to, but every so often, I'm stuck there for awhile. Maybe it's part of the "processing" we are supposed to have to do. Or maybe I'm just a dork.

Reminiscing can be dangerous....you may remember things you were glad you forgot.

"Along the Road"

"I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chattered all the way
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learn'd from her
When Sorrow walked with me."

~Robert Browning Hamilton

Just a side note:
I don't write when Hubby is home, so that's why I disappear for days at a time!

"It's a bitter end, when the sweet begins....."

Feeling like writing so this post comes with a warning.

WARNING: This post may not be suitable for all audiences. Those who do not wish to be bombarded by emotions and horomones, should avoid contact.

CAUTION: Author has been known to give out entirely TMI!

Much of the no good, low down, very bad year this year hasn't exactly been mysterious. But it has been a very medical year!

Last December I was anxiously awaiting the results of an HCG Pregnancy test. I had taken 4 home tests, but they were so lightly colored, I didn't believe them, hence there were 4! SO I paid to have a blood pregnancy test run and it came back negative. I called the OB and explained and they oredered the blood test and said to take it in a week.

Finally I got the call from the DR and it was to make an appointment, we were expecting a new addition!

A week or two before my appointment, I started spotting. I said, "It's just what my body does, I spot during my pregnancies." It didn't go away. I also didnt start getting sick, and I got very sick with the 3 babies I do have.

At the 1st appt. I had an ultrasound that showed a 5 week sac. That was right where my calculations should've had us, but not the LMP (last menstral peroid) which said we were 9 weeks along. We schedualed another ultrasound for 2 weeks to see.

I made it thru my sons first birthday, no problem, and even through a party for him. These events seem to always come close to others. I can't seem to do anything on a day that doesn't matter, nope, gotta be close or on someones special day.

Anyway, a week after my son's birthday, I miscarried. It also happened to be 4 years to the day from the day my Daddy died of cancer. So I at least had my sister and some comfort food.
I then spent the loneliest weekend in bed all alone, and "resting" which I have never been good at!
"Lord, please, not today! Not right now. I can't take all of this! I am not capable! But YOU are Lord. I will trust YOU to be bigger than this and capable for me"
"It's a bitter end when the sweet begins. Grace is sufficiency."

One month later my little sister, who is my close friend, became pregnant with their first baby. As you've seen, her pregnancy finished well. It was hard at first to be truely happy, but I wanted it so much that I was unwilling to throw a pity party! The Lord helped me to be there for her. And I am so glad He did, cause I couldn't have gotten out of "me" without Him!

Time passed and the fog lifted and it was easier to not think about it and it didn't hurt as much.

June came and, at the end of the month, we found out we were expecting! I was so scared, but I did start getting sick as usual! Then came the first appt, with ultrasound! We got to see the baby's heart beating and watch the little legs moving around it was so cute!

I continued to be sick and sicker. Had to go be rehydrated at our ER cause the Urgent Care didn't want to take us it was so late. They gave me some shots to make it "all better", hummm, not the case. I did, however fell really drugged! I was sick for the next 3 weeks and the 4th week started to be able to get things for myself and even washed the dishes! My throwing up had lessened, but it still happened a couple of times a day.

The last Monday in August was our next DR appt., and they said all the tests were great, I gained a pound, and then we tried the Doplar.
We tried and tried, but we couldn't find the heartbeat. The nurse said it happens sometimes, we would go to the next room and do an ultrasound. As I dressed I prayed, "Lord, prepare me for Your will. YOU know my heart, but have Thine own way in my life." How my heart sank then, and I knew. I went to the other room, they offered that my mom and kids could come in, as they were waiting in the other room. I said no. I didn't want them to see what I knew was coming, and sure enough, The baby was dead. No heart beat, 4 weeks small. My placenta was still attached and my body didn't recognize the problem, so it was called a missed miscarriage.

You know, I like the term 'miscarriage' much better that 'spontaneous abortion' one seems colder and cruel.

I asked how long they'd give me, she consulted and said, a week. That was a long week! My daughter celebrated her 6th birthday, and thankfully nothing happened to ruin this birthday! During that week we decided to follow the medical advice and have the D&C procedure. Something I thought I'd never go through. It all seemed like a bad dream, and I couldn't give up hope. After all I was still sick, doesn't that mean everything's going fine? Maybe there were twins and I lost one. Maybe they were wrong some how. Maybe God would give me the miracle I so hoped for.
"Lord, please give me Your strength to get through this. You have led me through much before, help. I don't feel You, and it hurts so much. I know You are with me, You said You always would be, and You are not a man that You should lie. Lord, You know I want a miracle, I pray that You would make in my life what You wish and help me through this valley."

The second ultrasound showed the same as the first, no heart beat, now 5 weeks small and the placenta holding on.

We had the D&C later that week. It felt really weird going to our failing outlet mall that they are turning several stores into medical centers, but it was an outlet mall! Made me wonder what I was doing! But I didn't feel there were many choices now. If the Lord wanted it to happen on it''s own, it would have by then.

7 weeks passed, and I seemed to be doing better and life seemed to be heading back to normal, then I started gushing blood, only a couple of gushes, but definitely a bad thing. I started cramping badly, and in the midst of all that upheaval I, of coarse, being me, pass out. I was out longer than my husband has seen before and he was checking to see if I was breathing. Once again I was confused, didn't know where I was or why and just wanted back to where ever I was that I didn't have to feel anything, because now I hurt!
After a call to the OB we were off to the ER for an 8 hour stay where they scared us and reminded me I just want to die at home!
All that they came up with was wrong that day, but the DRs advice was a prescription to make the bleeding stop, and come in to them that week.

My little sister had her baby! I cried. I was happy don't get me wrong, but I hurt too.
The hospital was a hard place to be, I was just there the Saturday before, and everything reminded me that "hope deferred maketh the heart sick" I would have had a baby when I had my D&C if I hadn't lost that one. And I would be fat and happy pregnant, even knowing who we were expecting, if we hadn't recently lost.

When we had the appointment, she read us the radiologist findings from our ultrasound and for some reason, I have a thick lining on my uterus that isn't detaching on it's own. So only part of it was detaching at a time, causing abnormal bleeding. Solution: 10 days of progesterone and then the worst cycle of my life. But it will hopefully all let go then.

Well that brings us to this weekend, I took dose 9 on Saturday with dinner, and woke Sunday morning to my cycle. Well this isn't supposed to happen, I am on the hormones, and I am not supposed to bleed on them. Then again this is the girl whose body refuses to fit into the medical criteria. Looks normal, tests normal, acts completely abnormal! The answer to my medical questions is usually "I don't know." The only comfort in that is that some DRs can admit they don't know! I took the final dose last night and figured I'll call the OB office when they open.

I have a hard time hearing that many of the people I know are expecting. It is a joyful thing, for them, and I too am joyful for them, but it is the pang of sorrow, a sharp reminder that I have to wait to hold those babies. I wont experience the joy they bring here.
I have also been told to "be thankful for the three kids" I already have. Sometimes I wish people would keep their advice to themselves! I love my kids! I know it would hurt abundantly more to loose one of them! I simply hurt for the people I have lost.

Yet in this I have hope, I will see them again when all things are made new.