Monday, November 07, 2005

"It's a bitter end, when the sweet begins....."

Feeling like writing so this post comes with a warning.

WARNING: This post may not be suitable for all audiences. Those who do not wish to be bombarded by emotions and horomones, should avoid contact.

CAUTION: Author has been known to give out entirely TMI!

Much of the no good, low down, very bad year this year hasn't exactly been mysterious. But it has been a very medical year!

Last December I was anxiously awaiting the results of an HCG Pregnancy test. I had taken 4 home tests, but they were so lightly colored, I didn't believe them, hence there were 4! SO I paid to have a blood pregnancy test run and it came back negative. I called the OB and explained and they oredered the blood test and said to take it in a week.

Finally I got the call from the DR and it was to make an appointment, we were expecting a new addition!

A week or two before my appointment, I started spotting. I said, "It's just what my body does, I spot during my pregnancies." It didn't go away. I also didnt start getting sick, and I got very sick with the 3 babies I do have.

At the 1st appt. I had an ultrasound that showed a 5 week sac. That was right where my calculations should've had us, but not the LMP (last menstral peroid) which said we were 9 weeks along. We schedualed another ultrasound for 2 weeks to see.

I made it thru my sons first birthday, no problem, and even through a party for him. These events seem to always come close to others. I can't seem to do anything on a day that doesn't matter, nope, gotta be close or on someones special day.

Anyway, a week after my son's birthday, I miscarried. It also happened to be 4 years to the day from the day my Daddy died of cancer. So I at least had my sister and some comfort food.
I then spent the loneliest weekend in bed all alone, and "resting" which I have never been good at!
"Lord, please, not today! Not right now. I can't take all of this! I am not capable! But YOU are Lord. I will trust YOU to be bigger than this and capable for me"
"It's a bitter end when the sweet begins. Grace is sufficiency."

One month later my little sister, who is my close friend, became pregnant with their first baby. As you've seen, her pregnancy finished well. It was hard at first to be truely happy, but I wanted it so much that I was unwilling to throw a pity party! The Lord helped me to be there for her. And I am so glad He did, cause I couldn't have gotten out of "me" without Him!

Time passed and the fog lifted and it was easier to not think about it and it didn't hurt as much.

June came and, at the end of the month, we found out we were expecting! I was so scared, but I did start getting sick as usual! Then came the first appt, with ultrasound! We got to see the baby's heart beating and watch the little legs moving around it was so cute!

I continued to be sick and sicker. Had to go be rehydrated at our ER cause the Urgent Care didn't want to take us it was so late. They gave me some shots to make it "all better", hummm, not the case. I did, however fell really drugged! I was sick for the next 3 weeks and the 4th week started to be able to get things for myself and even washed the dishes! My throwing up had lessened, but it still happened a couple of times a day.

The last Monday in August was our next DR appt., and they said all the tests were great, I gained a pound, and then we tried the Doplar.
We tried and tried, but we couldn't find the heartbeat. The nurse said it happens sometimes, we would go to the next room and do an ultrasound. As I dressed I prayed, "Lord, prepare me for Your will. YOU know my heart, but have Thine own way in my life." How my heart sank then, and I knew. I went to the other room, they offered that my mom and kids could come in, as they were waiting in the other room. I said no. I didn't want them to see what I knew was coming, and sure enough, The baby was dead. No heart beat, 4 weeks small. My placenta was still attached and my body didn't recognize the problem, so it was called a missed miscarriage.

You know, I like the term 'miscarriage' much better that 'spontaneous abortion' one seems colder and cruel.

I asked how long they'd give me, she consulted and said, a week. That was a long week! My daughter celebrated her 6th birthday, and thankfully nothing happened to ruin this birthday! During that week we decided to follow the medical advice and have the D&C procedure. Something I thought I'd never go through. It all seemed like a bad dream, and I couldn't give up hope. After all I was still sick, doesn't that mean everything's going fine? Maybe there were twins and I lost one. Maybe they were wrong some how. Maybe God would give me the miracle I so hoped for.
"Lord, please give me Your strength to get through this. You have led me through much before, help. I don't feel You, and it hurts so much. I know You are with me, You said You always would be, and You are not a man that You should lie. Lord, You know I want a miracle, I pray that You would make in my life what You wish and help me through this valley."

The second ultrasound showed the same as the first, no heart beat, now 5 weeks small and the placenta holding on.

We had the D&C later that week. It felt really weird going to our failing outlet mall that they are turning several stores into medical centers, but it was an outlet mall! Made me wonder what I was doing! But I didn't feel there were many choices now. If the Lord wanted it to happen on it''s own, it would have by then.

7 weeks passed, and I seemed to be doing better and life seemed to be heading back to normal, then I started gushing blood, only a couple of gushes, but definitely a bad thing. I started cramping badly, and in the midst of all that upheaval I, of coarse, being me, pass out. I was out longer than my husband has seen before and he was checking to see if I was breathing. Once again I was confused, didn't know where I was or why and just wanted back to where ever I was that I didn't have to feel anything, because now I hurt!
After a call to the OB we were off to the ER for an 8 hour stay where they scared us and reminded me I just want to die at home!
All that they came up with was wrong that day, but the DRs advice was a prescription to make the bleeding stop, and come in to them that week.

My little sister had her baby! I cried. I was happy don't get me wrong, but I hurt too.
The hospital was a hard place to be, I was just there the Saturday before, and everything reminded me that "hope deferred maketh the heart sick" I would have had a baby when I had my D&C if I hadn't lost that one. And I would be fat and happy pregnant, even knowing who we were expecting, if we hadn't recently lost.

When we had the appointment, she read us the radiologist findings from our ultrasound and for some reason, I have a thick lining on my uterus that isn't detaching on it's own. So only part of it was detaching at a time, causing abnormal bleeding. Solution: 10 days of progesterone and then the worst cycle of my life. But it will hopefully all let go then.

Well that brings us to this weekend, I took dose 9 on Saturday with dinner, and woke Sunday morning to my cycle. Well this isn't supposed to happen, I am on the hormones, and I am not supposed to bleed on them. Then again this is the girl whose body refuses to fit into the medical criteria. Looks normal, tests normal, acts completely abnormal! The answer to my medical questions is usually "I don't know." The only comfort in that is that some DRs can admit they don't know! I took the final dose last night and figured I'll call the OB office when they open.

I have a hard time hearing that many of the people I know are expecting. It is a joyful thing, for them, and I too am joyful for them, but it is the pang of sorrow, a sharp reminder that I have to wait to hold those babies. I wont experience the joy they bring here.
I have also been told to "be thankful for the three kids" I already have. Sometimes I wish people would keep their advice to themselves! I love my kids! I know it would hurt abundantly more to loose one of them! I simply hurt for the people I have lost.

Yet in this I have hope, I will see them again when all things are made new.

1 comment:

amapain said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is painful and you're oh so right about all your emotions.

God Bless