Thursday, January 27, 2011

tornado of the mind

I have so many mixed emotions today.
Sadness, Joy, Expectation, Love, Hurt all mixed up... and so many thoughts to go with them.

10 years ago today, my daddy went to be with Jesus. I'm so filled with Joy that he is there; he is whole; he is free from this world and his struggles; I will see him again. So Sad that I have lost an important man in my life, before so much of my life could happen; that my sister hasn't had him there, even for her wedding; that my kids will only know of him, not know him; missing him.

6 years ago today I let go of the hope that would've been our child in the late summer of that year. I was so hurt at the idea of loosing on this day, why this day; but it has been a blessing to me to have one day to mourn and not two. I am glad God always knows better!!!

I have love for them, hope that one day we will be together, and hurt at having lost their presence in my life for now.
I don't even know I can express in words what today has felt like, but bittersweet seems to be one of my favorites. I'm not going to pretend to be where I'm not. I'm not just fine, but I'm not overwhelmed. I do not mourn like those who have no hope, but I do mourn. I've had my moments, and not when or where I expected them.

Now I don't even know how to end my post... nor what I really wanted to say.

1 comment:

traceylynndel said...

Sorry I couldn't be there for you Thursday. I saw Jodi's post on fb though and was praying for you. I didn't even get to see this post till this morning. You are loved and missed, friend.